Monday, October 25, 2010

Rokko's Tales: Magic Maggie and Zany & Wild Races

So I haven't really gotten into a few stories of Rokko, but I've been thinking of a lot of his stories during the 1960s through 1990s. Originally for Rokko's show I would have it pick up in the mid 2000's when he regains contact with his kids for the 1st time in years. We would cut back and forth between his life during the 1910, the 20s and during the 60-80s cause each part of that time were all so different for him. The 10's would be him wandering around getting into any mess and would develop his relationship with the mob and his overall personality. The 20s was him as a family man doing gofer jobs, a wrestler, and maintaining a good roll model for his kids.

The time during the late 50s to 90s was his dark time. He thought he had lost everything he worked so hard in his life to set right, so he went back to being a rake and roustabout. Mostly doing the things he did back in the 10s but dealing with 50 decades worth of different types of cartoons and characters that are far more messed up then he had come in contact with in his youth. This would be a great time frame to come up with some stories that mocked and parodies the things we think happened in the 70s. Here are just a few ideas I've thought of recently.
In the mid 80's, Rokko is hired to be a body guard to a woman who hosts a kids show. Merry Maggie is a happy lady with a magic mirror that can see into people's hearts. She often uses it at the end of the show to look through the camera and calls out the names of the children she sees to wish them a happy day. The program is filmed over a porn theater in a grungy part of Albuquerque and do a casting call for kids to attend live broadcasts of the shows. The only parents to let their kids be apart of the casting call are the ones that think their kids are going to get famous and make them money, and some parents treat it like a day care center. Rokko is called to be a body guard for Maggie cause she's scared of children. She says that when she uses the magic mirror she can see the terrible thoughts all people have had, and she believes all children are evil. She belives that the mirror has shown her that a terrible child from the outside world will come kill some day.

She expects Rokko to beat up any kid that tries to touch her. Rokko hesitates but he spends most of the time finding ways to punish the children without hurting them. By the end of the day, Maggie has turned into a psychopath and goes mental on stage. Rokko attacks her and hold her down but is pushed over by a beast from the mirror. Rokko smashes the mirror and Maggie snaps out of it. She apologizes to all the kids and says that she was a fool for thinking any child would harm her. Cut to 15 years later, Maggie is resting in her home when an old fan of her show come by to kill her cause she never said his name at the end of her show to wish him a happy day.

Rokko is held at gun point to fill in a spot at the Zany and Wild All Star Racing Event in Indianapolis. He owes a few punks money and the best way he can earn it back for them is to win 1st prize, or just make sure their home boy, Dick Dastardly, wins the race. Rokko agrees, so long as he gets a decent car. They give him a yellow Hudson Hornet but has to change his name to Hive. So with Crikkit in the trunk, he is known as Hive and the Bug in the Hornet.

He looks over his car with great satisfaction. Rokko says, "This is a Boozer car. From zero to hung over in 10 seconds, leaving a trail of beer flaming . It'll have no problem out running these dipshits." His competition are as fallows:
Vampra and Crock in the Doom Pot
Drippy, Stinky and Moe, the Do-No-Wrong Apes, in the Peel-Out Banana Boat.
Speeder Philippe in the Hot Tamale
The Inaudible Caveman and Julie, in the Cromangmoblie
Loose Goose in the Knot
Dick Dastardly and Mutsy in The Mean Machine
and Slappy Squirrel and the Ed Roth Bomber (Cause a pinto doesn't have the same explosive power of this girl on the highway)
(Info of the picture on the right, it comes from the Ed Roth website, and is a re-colored version of the Road Agent)

Rokko sees Slappy and is intrigued with her. Rokko has to tell her his fake name. "It's Hive, this is Bug and that's the Hornet."
Slappy: "So why is the Hive in the Hornet?"
Rokko: "Cause I'm too full of shit to fly! hehe...Yeah I'm here against my will."
They laugh and she says that it's hard to get any attention at all with all these wackos around these days. "Nothing says camio like playing a bit part in a All-Star racing event. Next thing you know Warner will stick me with Bob Hope for a 5 minuet diner sketch on a Variety Hour show with those Archie Boys."
Rokko and Slappy talk a little more about the other racers.
Rokko: "Was Goose always Loose or did Goose get loose after taking the Knot?"
Slappy: "Hahah! That's a good question! Not one we can answer but a good one to ask."

The Races start with with Dastardly using a rocket attached to his car and he jettisons into a tree five miles ahead of the race. Rokko shakes his head and steps on the gas.
Vampra and Crock are lead the race when Vampra sends out bats to pull the car faster. Philippe fills his tank with hot sauce he zooms by so fast it makes the Doom Pot spin and the bats get caught in Vampra's hair. The Caveman and Julie are cruzing around when the caveman spots the Ape's Banana Boat and starts to back up into it to try to eat it.

While the riff raff are stuck in a traffic jam Slappy and Rokko race neck and neck until Rokko sees Dick getting frustrated over a contraption on the side of the road. Philippe has already passed him and now Slappy passes him. Rokko pulls over to help Dick with his plan (Crikkit and Mutsy share a giggle fit).
Rokko: "I don't know how you got so far ahead but what are you doing here?"
Dick: "This confounded contraption won't work. It's supposed to send that Rock into that tree into the road. Everyone will have to stop! They won't know what to do and I'll be in the lead. Wahahahah!"
Rokko: "No! When you're ahead, you don't stop to pull over to set up a trap that, you know, someone could drive around. You stay on the road and punch it like a donkey. You idiot this is why you fail!
Dick: Be Quiet! You know nothing of my work! I have a reputation of being the meanest, nastiest, low down dirtiest racer in this game and I have to keep that image.
Rokko: "Yeah alright, well you know what Dick? The boys back at the house? They're sick and tired of this mean-nasty crap. They called me in to make you look good. Now get in your car and get to the finish line. I'll work on this thing."
Dick: "Oh...really? Well alright but make sure what ever you do is evil! If it's not evil it's not worth the effort!"
Rokko: "Yeah! Get out of here!"

So Rokko stays behind and sets the trap up. He ties the rope to pull the catapult to his car and is quite happy about the whole thing, "Well that should work, but where are the other racers? Feels like I've been working on this for hours and I hadn't heard anything go by."
Crikkit points to a few that he can see them coming so they jump in the car to take off. Crikkit yells ,"Wait you need to make it evil. Laugh while your driving!"
Rokko: "MUAAHAHAahaaa.wahever."

He drives off and it pulls the string and the rock shoots towards the tree across the street. The Ape's banana is caught under the tree and it shoots the banana off into the sky with them on it. The Doom Pot stops in time to avoid crashing, but Loose Gooses' Knot stop behind them and gets hit by the Cromagmobile that sends Goose into the Doom Pot and boils alive. Rokko and Crikkit look back on the action and look at each other with a cringe.

Later down the road, they see Dick Dastardly's car turn over again with him being crushed underneath it.
Rokko: "Now what happened?"
Dick: "That Slappy Squirrel topped over my car with a giant hand, but I knocked her off the cliff! She's falling to her doom! Muahahahaha!"
Rokko: "Huh?"
Rokko looks over the cliff to see Slappy. She calls out "Help! I'm stuck in suspended animation. My contract doesn't allow me to be put in real danger so the cliff has just been shifting between the same 5 frames since I fell over. Pull me up!"
Rokko looks around: "How can we pull up a car?"
Crikkit: "We have webs!" and he presses a button to shoot out webs from the back of the Hornet to grab Slappy's car as it falls closer to the ground and pulls it back up and lands up right and ready to take off.
Rokko: "Hornets don't shoot webs. What kind of shitty gimmick car is this?"
Slappy : "Don't question the logic to much on it kid, you can get yourself hurt." and she speeds off while blowing Rokko a kiss. He blushes a bit.

As Rokko caught up to Dick Dastardly farther down the road, he saw that Dick had set up Taco stand to distract Philippe "What's evil about a Taco stand?"
Crikkit "If it's a Taco Bell, the meat's made of my kin."
Rokko pulls over and tells Dick to leave, to which he kindly obliges. Rokko serves up Philippe the taco. Philippe takes a bite and feels so refreshed. Rokko is confused that the food doesn't appear to making Philippe sick. In a flash a bunch sirens start to ring and cops pull up to Philippe and cuff him, "Ay, Caramba, it's the INS-ese."
Rokko and Crikkit duck behind the stand, "Damn, Dick called immigration on him!"

They sneak back to the hornet and take off. They soon see the sign of the finish line and catch up to Dastardly and Slappy, who is ramming Slappy from behind. Slappy skids off to the side of the road and Dastardly takes the lead with his laugh ecoing through the canyon. Rokko pulls over to Slappy and asks if she has to be in her car to Win the race. She's not sure but Rokko trades cars with her anyway. She takes off in the Hornet to catch up and Rokko pumps some of Philippe's hot sauce into the tank of the Bomber. The fuse on the back of it lights up and jets off in a B-line towards Dastardly's car. In firey madness Rokko hits Dastardly and the two of them explode and fall to the side of the road, allowing Slappy and the Hornet to win.

Dastardly pounds the gound in angry protest: "Curses! Why don't I ever win!?"
Rokko: "Well...You're a Dick! Hahaha!
Musty and Crikkit snicker as Dastardly cries.
At the winners circle Slappy get her reward, to be center square in the Hollywood Squares and a gift certificate to Neiman-Marcus. "Great is that all?"
Rokko checks if she's ok and she thanks him for the great trip, hoping they meet again some day. As for Rokko and his debt to the punks, lets just say hornets can shot webs and end it.

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