Friday, August 6, 2010

Nursery Wrongs _ Eddie Eel Story

So Ed and Jenny were called up to the boss one day. He shows them a cartoon made by the mainstream studios where a bunch of ugly CGI characters are teaching kids how to read books. They do things like when they ask a question they pause for a long period of time as if the kids are answering their question.
Jenny gives a sick look
Ed: Jenny doesn't look happy.
Jen: No this is just lame.
Boss: Of course it's lame but the censors eat this chum up. This is what we need for our programming.
Ed: Don't you have a show that does these things already?...Like that one sponsored by Sugar Frost Chunks?
Jen: Sir I have to beg you...nobody likes to learn anything. I mean look at these things. They're assuming the kids know what a Swan is, let alone what an S is. AND what's with this empty air space? Are they seriously expecting kids to respond with the right answer?
Ed: Jen, wait, I do think it's important that kids learn basic language skills but...
Boss: Well then it's settled, lets do it.
Ed: But wait!...b-bbut I don't think this is the right pull for our audience. They're...they're a little more mature and come to expect a certain style from us.
Boss: Now listen we can get more people viewing and new advertisers with this type of programming.
Jen: No, Ed's right. See, we teach kids things nobody teaches them. Do you know what a theremin is? I know what the difference between 100% cotton and poly fibers cause of Ed. Don't trust people in suits.
Boss: -_-
Jen: Last week...was it? Yeah. Last week, Ed showed the kids a topato. You know what a topato is?
Boss: No...
Jen: Ed made this thing, that has the skin of a potato and the innards of a tomato.
VP: How'd it taste?
Jen:...Terrible. But the kids loved it cause we spent half the episode trying to pronounce the name right and throw them at everyone. It hurt cause they wouldn't explode right away.
VP: Wait they explode?
Jen: Yeah butnoonegothurt....<_<...>_>
Ed: Sir I don't have a problem with teaching kids language, but I'll just say that we need to do it the way Eddie Eel would want to do it.
Boss: Fine Fine, that sounds ok. You just bring it to the home plate boy.
Ed nods and Jen looks sick.

Ed: Hello kids. Thank you thank you. Yes today we're going to be a little bit different in that instead of doing something silly and stupid, we're going to do something stupidly silly. We're going to read a book! *inhale*...yay. Yes we're upset that kids just don't read books anymore today, even the ones with pictures. It's too much work todo isn't it? Well as your unofficial babysitter today I will read you a wonderful story called...*lifts up the heavy book*...Mothergoose! *flips through the pages and gets confused*...*looks to Jen* There is more then one story in here, Jenny.
Jen: Go to the yellow paper in the...
Ed: OH there it is...The Ugly Duckling...*thinks* I don't think this is a Mother Goose story.
Jen: They're all made by the same people.
Ed: No I think it was Hans Christian Anderson who made this story. Though I don't know if Hans made the mother goose...or was his mother a goose?
Jen: Ed we're not teaching them history, just read it.
Ed: History is very important! I think that...
Jen: ED!
Ed pouts and opens the book and adjusts his glasses and speaks calmly:...The War of 1812 was a military conflict fought between the forces of the United States of America and the British Empire...
Jen comes up to Ed and points in the book: No No! Read what it says there!
Shark and the kids are laughing
Ed *smart ass*: I am reading what it says there, oh...You're right, that's not what it says. Thank you.
Jenny walks back behind the camera.
Ed waits for Jen to be ready and reads again:...ONCE!...upon a 1812...*inhales and speaks in one breath* There was an ugly duckling who was born from a mother and father who didn't like him because he was different from all the other ducklings andhewassadthatnoonelikedhimandranawayandthengrewuptobeasawn THEEND!
*slams book closed* No wonder you kids don't like to read that was booooaaring...lets make it a little more interesting.
Ed runs to the back of a stage and brings out a tv with rabbit ears on it.
Ed: We are...going to jump in the book and make it more interesting. Lets add words and plot devices to make the story come to life eh? Sound fun? Now you all know what a duck is right?
Shark: Cock-a-doodle doo!
Ed points at Shark with a smile: No...
Kids yell out: It quacks! It Swims! Feathers!
Ed: Right it's the one that quacks and swims, good. Now what is a swan?
Kids: Uh, it swims! It quacks! Long neck! White Feathers!
Ed: Yes quakes and swims, good, hehe.
Jen: Same thing just bigger.
Shark: It's a bird, they all look the same flying above you.
Ed: Nice now we're going to get angry letters from Swans...*sigh*Lets turn this baby on.
Shark: They make good ice cream.

Ed turns on the tv and it starts to glow and rattle. Rays shoot from the rabbit ears and down into the book and then an image of the swamp and text show up on the TV. Ed gives everyone a wink and walks into the TV. Ed looks around with a big grin and looks for the words "Once upon a time' Ed goes through the book more and looks for the duckling and his family.
Ed: Oh look kids here is the ugly duckling *plops next to the duckling and interviews it* So little man, how does it feel to be disgraced by your mother and father the moment they see you?
Ducklin: Well...I am sad.
Ed: Just sad? Not ADVERB sad?
Ducklin: No...just sad.
Ed: Well we can't have that can we? How about you feel...*Ed pulls out a word from his pocket* Terribly sad! BAWWWWW!!
The two of them start to cry rivers of tears.
Ed: Those terrible parents of ours, they should respect us for our apparent differences. Day one of our birth and we're shunned.
Duckin: Waahh! I didn't realise how terrible it all way. I just want to be fwends.
Ed: Fwends?? Uh Oh we have a spelling error to correct here. HmHM! *grabs the word Fwends from the air* Kids, what's wrong with this word? hm? *puts hand to his ear*...What?...I can't hear you...I really can't hear you. Hello? *looks at the audience* Hello am I talking to myself? Kids?*looks around and bumps into the screen*Oh...Oh!* Knocks and touches screen* Oh, there's glass here, pfft! I'm expecting an answer and I can't hear you cause there is glass in the way. Sorry...I won't do that again. So this word is spelled wrong, lets find the missing letters that spell it right. Duckling you want to help me find the missing letters?
Ducklin: Does this mean jor my fwend?
Ed: "Jor my fwend-"-Oh...we have a lot of work to do here don't we? Lets go.
Ed grabs the duckling and takes a walk to a river. Ed looks around and tries to see if there are any letters around. There are letters around the whole river.
Ed: Well will you looky here, there are letters all over the place. Go on duckling pick ups some letters and bring them to me. Lalala---
Ed looks around behind bushes and in holes of trees. In one tree he lifts up the hat of a funny looking old hill billy character.
Ed: Who are you?
The Hill Billy starts to sing: What's my name, Pootintang, Ask again, I'll tell ya the same!
Ed pushes the old man back into tree: Ok sorry I asked.
Not long, Ed and the Duckling made a big pile of letters and dig through them for a while.
Ed: Well we have 5 Y's, 2 Q's, an O, M,G, and 4 X's. Are you sure there isn't an R and an I anywhere we're not seeing?
Duckin looks and points: There's a W, T, F over thar.
Ed: Aug, ok. Lets move along.
They get up and behind the tree you see an R and an I tied and gagged and being threatened by a bunch of other letters.

So, as they walk a-long, Ed talks to the duckling somemore: So you are ADVERB different. How do you feel about that?
Ducklin: Sir what is this Adverb you're always saying?
Ed: Oh an Adverb is pronoun that is adverb important. Hehe
Ducklin: Huh?
Ed: Pronoun verb an adverb is a noun that verbs any noun of noun other than a noun.
Ducklin: 0_0
Ed: Pronoun verb an adverb when pronoun want to noun your noun adverb adjective. It's adjectively simple. Hmhmhmhm! XB
Ed: Oh no no no. Shh-shhh. I'm sorry I upset you. Don't cry.
Papa Bear: HAY! Why did you make that ugly kid cry?!
Ed: AAH *runs away*

Ed runs past a few other pages and into a new story. He stops in front of a house panting. The old man pops out and sings his little hillybilly jig: "What's my name, Pootintang, Ask again, I'll tell ya the same!"
Ed slams door shut: Oh go away! Sigh...Oh Look over there, It's a new story. *Ed walks to a girl sitting under a tree* It's Little Miss Muffit, and she's sittin' on her Tuffit. Ah-hah! Young Lady can you tell the kids just what a tuffit is?
Muffit: Heck if I know.
Ed: uh-...Well what are you eating dear child?
Muffit: Curds and Way.
Ed: Oh how nice. Can I sit right here?
Muffit: No ya creep go away!
Ed sits anyway: Oh but we're going to wait for the spider.
Muffit points to the text above her head: What spider, says an Eel sat by me?
Ed: Oh well that it does. Kids I think we need to fix this. *Ed points the tree that has three words carved in it, with a heart around it. They read Gorilla, Spider, and Danny Kaye* Which word is the right word for this story? starts with an S and we've said it two times already. *pretends to listen* Uh-huh, Gorilla! Wait whut?
A gorilla jumps from the trees and scares Ed and Muffit away.

Ed runs into another story where he's met with the old Hilly Billy again dancing his jig. "What's my name?, Pootintang, Ask again, I'll tell ya the same!"
Ed pushes him off screen: Oh stop it! *ed looks behind him still panting* Oh look it's that shoe with the Old Lady in it. She had SOOO many children ...*quietly* how many children did she have? She didn't know what to do. Well lets go help her out.
Ed walks up and knocks on the door: Welfare check's here!
The old lady and her kids open the door and they're all thin and ugly. The old lady in a thick British accent calls out : Oi! It's an Eel kids. We're eatin tonight!
Kids: YAY!!
Ed: Do-Wahaaaa! *and he runs away*

Ed winds up in a house and he's mumbling and whimpering to himself in confusion and exhaustion. Pootintang shows up from a butter churner in the house Ed is in and starts to sing but Ed cuts him off: "NO! Don't you sing it!" Ed looks to the audiance in fear and looks back to see a boy sitting in the corner.
Ed: Oh's little Jacky, Johnny, Dicky Horner...sittin in that corner. eh...Eating his uh...Uh what are you eatin dear child?
The boy slowly turns his head hissing as we see his mouth is red with fangs and a big grin.
Ed *panics and runs away*: Ohho, I don't want to know!!

Ed walks through the house crying and mumbling: Uhehem,...the duckin and...waaahanenneh, tuffit and the Gorilla. And nowniaahh..Waaah, I don't care of his name...Weehh
The papa bear opens a door behind Ed: HAY that's guy who made that ugly kid cry! Get him.
Ed screams and is tackled by a bunch of other characters jump on him. When the smoke clears Ed is in chains and put on trial.
Judge Midus: You are accused of making this poor innocent ugly ducklin cry. How do you plead?
Ed: Please make it stop??!!
Judge Midus: Order in my court! 1st witness!!
Papa Bear: I saw him, I saw him do it. Guilty Guilty Guilty! Hang the slinky snake right here! I got the noose!
Ed: But...!
Old Woman from Shoe: He hasn't paid child support in years!
Ed: I don't!...
Muffit: He made fun of my Tuffit! Said it was big!
Ed: Did not!
Jack Nimble: He said do it! You're nimble...Your'll make a man out of ya.
Attorney: Now show us on the doll where the flame touched you!
Jack hold the doll and points to it's butt and cries heavily.
Ed *sobbing*: I didn't even see you today-ay-ay.
Judge Miden: Bring up the victim.
The crowd goes hush as the ugly ducklin walks up to the witness stand. Ed looks at the Duck and shakes his head in disbelief. The ducklin sits on a large stack of books to reach the top of the stand. The judge turns to the duckling and asks him quietly, "What happened boy? Don't be afraid."
The Ducklin looks back and forth between everyone. He gulps and speaks: He...he made me learn things!
Gasps and shocks abound in the court room. The judge asks the ducklin: Is this true?
Ducklin: Yes...*sniff* He's Gwilty!
The crowds in the court room chant out: GWIL-TY! GWIL-TY! GWIL-TY!
Ed: No...No! I'm trying to help! NO!
Judge Miden: Life in prison!!
Ed: NOO!
Bars shoot up in front of Ed and he's left alone in the cell crying: NO,NO, no! Why??! What is going on here?! Why-!-Oh! Oh I'm not supposed to be here! Jenny! Shark! What's going on? Wha-!!?
Ed looks through the TV screen and sees that Jen, Shark, and all kids are watching the TV laughing and rolling on the floor. Jen and Shark have been messing with the TV remote.
Ed gets angry: Oh put that down you're supposed to be reading! You all--uhp?!
Behind Ed a figure shows up and walks slowly to him. When the light shows up it's the old Hill Billy. He stares Ed down until Ed is up against the bottom of the bars.
Old Man: What's---my---name?
Ed: Pootintang? NOOOOO!

Cut to Jen and Shark still laughing at Ed while there are noises and screams coming from the TV.
Jen: Oh Ed you do know how to make the classics more interesting. HAHA!

No comments: